Just an I

All of a sudden I realized that I have not posted much on my blog neither have I shared anything on facebook from my creative genius…you know!!! I asked myself, “Why?” I was often acknowledged for my interesting posts. What has happened to me? To the INTERESTING artist in me? (Enough of self- praise). And I got a reply. Actually nothing interesting is happening in my life. But the artist in me is craving to express. What to do now?

Let me experiment a bit, if you allow me. Shall I? (I can see a few nodding heads, at least I am pleased to imagine). Anyway, the experiment is (it sounds so scientific!) well! The experiment is that since nothing interesting is happening in my life and yet I want to write then please allow me to share some very ORDINARY things taking place around me. (if you want to read, read otherwise just click on the ‘like’ button).

Today, incidentally I woke up early in the morning and brushed my teeth for the convenience of the world around me. I freshened up, again for the convenience of the world around me and washed my face, once more for the world around me. (I feel like a social worker in the morning) I decided to go for a walk because the world around me wants me to lose some weight. I was fortunate enough to get a company of an unknown woman whom I used to see only in the park, the social space that I shared with her during the morning walk. We have become acquaintances through smiles that we share each day I incidentally wake up for a morning walk. Today, I just decided to have my morning tea with her in the close by tea stall. She agreed to the proposal. Over a cup of tea I was listening to the real life narrative of a woman. To be more precise, over a cup of an ordinary yet compulsory morning tea, I was listening to the narrative of her first-hand experience of the usual marital rape. Over a cup of a strong yet ordinary and compulsory morning tea I was witnessing the scars of an unhappy marriage full of mental, physical and economic regular tortures. She could barely speak when I was about to take the last sip of the strong, assamese, ordinary, compulsory morning tea. She was in tears; I consoled her with my free left hand. And got back home. I decided to make some sandwiches for myself. Took bath, (this time not for the world but myself). Two friends landed up in the afternoon just while I was going to prepare some honey lemon tea for myself. I like that after my lunch. I asked them for the tea to which they agreed. And now over a cup of honey lemon tea I was listening to the narrative of their lives mixed well like honey and lemon in the willful luxurious cup of my afternoon tea. Their life was full of very ordinary co-incidences such as falling in love again and again. Let me address them as A1 and A2. (names can be controversial). A1 fell in love only for four times co-incidently with the people of the same caste and 29 men, co-incidentally rich, fell for A2. I like the extra lemon in my luxurious afternoon tea. They were in their ordinary troubles of co-incidental love(s). Anyway, I hinted at my time limitation and my inability to solve their problems. The honey lemon tea was over and I was refreshed as usual.

While going to buy some regular household items such as wipers and brooms, I saw three ordinary fellows waiting for women at the road side to throw their regular male gaze. I also passed through two ordinary looking beautiful women needlessly laughing at a neat looking under confident student. By the time I had returned, towards the evening I heard a few more very ordinary stories of incapability to cope with the system, to personal agonies, to the problem of indigestion (a stinking experience it was), to the moral logical social ethical ordinary problems. And I heard of murders, abductions, inflation, insults, damage, rest, paintings, swimming, driving, eating, accidents, rapes, shapes, sizes, advises, rapes, accidents, abductions, love, hate, drinking, smoking, rapes, murders, abductions, inflation, talking, hearing, sleeping, rape, accidents, soft drinks, hard drinks, lemon drink, soda drink, rape, accidents, abductions, ordinary tea, luxurious tea, rapes, murders, abductions…

I wish I had something interesting to share!!!

Richa

4^th April 2013

All of a sudden I realized that I have not posted much on my blog neither have I shared anything on facebook from my creative genius…y...

at 7:16:00 AM

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at 10:53:00 AM

I am insane. I have seen the sane world that says and says and says again ceaselessly, continuously. The sane world says to create reason, it says to acknowledge reason, it says to shape reason and says out of Reason and at times Out of reason. The sane world creates kids, manufactures human beings, develops them into individuals and constructs an individual crowd only to conclude saying, “you should not have been born”. Such a wonderful sanity! I was also born out of it, now they say i am out of it. “you are insane”, a unanimous voice said. We look alike but think different. The fact is it thinks different. To be more precise, it thinks. It said, “I know”. I said, “I don’t know”. It said, “You are worthless talking to”. I said, “I don’t know”. It said, “You know nothing. You understand nothing. You realise nothing. You feel nothing. You are insane.” I said, “I don’t know”. It said, “ You irritate me, you are senseless. You should understand. You are spoiling my time. You are simply incorrigible” I said, “I don’t know”. It said, “Why don’t you understand anything? Why don’t you say anything? Why don’t you respond? Why don’t you react?” I said, “Because I don’t know”. “How ridiculous! Its unpardonable. Just look at the audacity! See how it argues now! Duffer, idiot, senseless. You are insane, remain in your domain...” (It continued to say. The sane world blabbers a lot). I said, “No. Why don’t you understand, I don’t know.” It said, “ Try to understand, only then you would understand. You don’t even try and keep saying...I don’t know...I don’t know. Don’t you think, you should understand things?” I said, (i am not telling a lie) that I don’t think, I don’t know how to think. It said, “See, channelize your thoughts, understand good and bad, logical and illogical, sane and insane. Try and distinguish. Criticize and analyse.” Frankly speaking, I was not getting anything. It interrogated again, “Are you getting anything?” I assured again, “I DON’T KNOW”. It said, “Try, see there are different ways of looking at something. You may find it this way or that way and even the third way is quite valid from one perspective.” I cannot recall its words anymore but it was talking about something called ‘meaning’ and ‘perspective’ and ‘order’ and ‘disorder’ and...and...and...many more things strung in between the ands. They must have suffocating, suppressed in between the ands. Anyway, i said again, “I DON’T KNOW” It was hardly listening. It was saying something again. Before it started, i was in severe headache. I thought...(oh no! I could think now) I said, not to them (insane enough to do so)

“IT IS USELESS LISTENING TO THE SANES.”

And i disappeared. The sane world is still talking but. And now i know they are talking about me.

How Sane!

Glad to be insane

Richa

4^th feb 2010

I am insane. I have seen the sane world that says and says and says again ceaselessly, continuously. The sane world says to create reason, i...

at 5:55:00 AM

I wanted to spend this Diwali alone in my hostel, to experience isolation when a good part of my world is enjoying togetherness or posing to enjoy it or is forced to believe that it is an enjoyment. I wanted to listen to the sound of the firecrackers from the inside of my closed room. I wanted to witness the shining sky through the window of my room. How would it feel to do the 'regular', 'ordinary' thing on a supposedly 'extraordinary', 'supposed to be enjoyed' day? I wanted to experience a night of candles from inside the opaque walls of my room. I wanted to remain happy in my usual happiness.

What else did i want?
I wanted to be with you on a boat in a beautiful river during the sunset. There i wanted to look at you and at the translucent running water. I wanted to experience your touch ignoring the yellowish, orangish, saffron, cool, breezy delightful evening. The setting sun, hiding behind the white clouds would certainly look beautiful but i wanted to see you only, not behind the clouds but beside me.Here 'you' is not somebody i know already but a stranger with a lot of possible personalities. Polite. Rude. May be. I wanted to know a little of him. I wanted to know a little of me through him. He might not be like me...he might not like me. I wanted to experience that dislike. Would it be better than the 'known love'. May be not. But i wanted to express my delight or anger or no-feeling as it would come to me without a 'supposed to behave' manner, without hiding or overprojecting myself as i would be free from the fear to hurt him because his pain won't matter to me. I wanted to experience the 'wierd' in its original absolute 'wierdness'.

And also that i wanted to experience this diwali all to myself in an 'ordinary' way but...i would be with my family overexperiencing the crackers, the diyas, the candles, the sweets, the clothes, in a 'suppossed to be happy' gesture, slightly overjoyed, a little overdelighted...

I wanted to spend this Diwali alone in my hostel, to experience isolation when a good part of my world is enjoying togetherness or posing to...

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And i read my mind, the letters vague and jumbled. Curtains were drawn over some letters, some were overwritten, some...peeping from a distance to get into my sight. I read my mind murmuring. Only i could listen to what i was reading. i read my mind slowly so that i could pronounce correctly what was trying to read. Covered most of the letters were, i tried to DiScOvEr them. There was another cover of dust, i broomed that. Somewhat clearer they appeard. i read my mind. The letters were still there. i must tell you, those letters were not in an alphabetical order, my mind was perhaps unaware of the sequence. i read them non-sequentially. Just like that. Just in the manner they were found. Just in the sequence i was dusting them, brooming them.

So, i read my mind, the letters non-sequential. Tiny i, the BIG BOLD letters. Vague was my vision or the Big Bold letters? "opthalmologist', the word struck. i had read it in "Word Power Made Easy" by Norman Lewis. If i remember it well, it means an eye specialist. shoul i visit one. I would tell her/him that i see vague letters. What would i say? that i can't read my own mind!?! Does the doctor read his/her mind? Am i sure the doctor can see those letters or for that matter any once else? or would i be the first one to complain about my poor vision? Poor vision?!? But i can very well see the blue sky, the green plants, the faces, the buildings, the scriptures, the everything but it is also true that i can't see those letters. Should i wash my eyes?

...The letters are clearer now. But i don't read my mind. The letters are no more vague, the letters shiny and clear, the letters in a sequence now. i did not even murmur, i did not read them slow, i did not read them aloud seeing that the world surrounds me.

But i tried to. i read my mind inside my mind and took care that no one listens to it. May be i was ashamed of it. Probably. Probably for sure. Because, it was not in a sequence a dictionary says. Because it was not defined as Norman Lewis does. Because they were not the same letters, i was taught.

So i unread my mind. Don't tell this to anyone.

And i read my mind, the letters vague and jumbled. Curtains were drawn over some letters, some were overwritten, some...peeping from a dis...

at 7:27:00 PM

And then I imagined further …Now I was my own. I had bought myself from my owner. It is true that I got myself finally but… but in pieces. Small and big pieces. And I got a pair of hands, a pair of legs, a pair of ears ,a pair of heavy breasts, a stomach, a gall bladder, Kidneys, liver and a few more organs (which were supposed to keep those pieces alive), a no head (much of it was sold and rest was fatigued) and a half heart( the other half was with my owners).

I bundled those pieces, tied them up with the rope of my hair. I was walking with the weight, with the heavy weight of those pieces and was empathetic to my last owners. Then I reached a corner of the earth, sat there with the pieces, counted their accuracy and then started examining those pieces. One by one. Seperately. Those legs were mine. They wanted to move in many directions, in all the directions ,in all possible directions and I cut them into pieces with the help of a knife and threw them in many directions, in all the directions, in all the possible directions directing,” Walk! Walk away! in whatever way!’’ mmhh! An assignment over. Next was a pair of eyes. They always wanted to dream. They always dreamt. I had to do something for them and I made airy wings for my eyes but after soaring in the blue large sky they preferred to swim safely in a pond. They kept swimming for years, for million years in the cold- warm water. Another assignment done. Then came a pair of ears. They wanted to listen to the heart. So I kept them with the half heart that I possessed. It kept listening to the whispers, to the loud whispers, to the sobs, to the bubbling jests. It is listening to the half heart.

My stomach, liver, kidneys, lungs, bones always wanted to rest. Now they don’t have to work as they were supposed to work for the whole not for parts. Their work done and happy they are.

Next was a pair of heavy breasts. They did not want anything. Many others wanted them. I thought to keep them on exhibition in a museum but many pairs were already there. So I burnt them .They kept burning for some time and now happily burnt they are. Happily over. Happily non existent.

Now only a pair of hands remain fulfilling their wish to write. They write they will keep writing for years, for million years. And I am done with my duty of ownership. Whole lost. Pieces happy. And I owned myself to lose. The separate pieces were already dead when I owned them. I just tried to cremate them by fulfilling their wish, for the sake of salvation. So that they don’t need to exist ever in future.

And then I imagined further …Now I was my own. I had bought myself from my owner. It is true that I got myself finally but… but in pieces. S...

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Just an I

Ordinary...

Dead

Beyond our bodies

Love...

SANEINSANE

This Diwali...

Split E N D S...

IN YOUR MIGHTY ARMS

UNREAD THE READ

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