This Diwali...
I wanted to spend this Diwali alone in my hostel, to experience isolation when a good part of my world is enjoying togetherness or posing to enjoy it or is forced to believe that it is an enjoyment. I wanted to listen to the sound of the firecrackers from the inside of my closed room. I wanted to witness the shining sky through the window of my room. How would it feel to do the 'regular', 'ordinary' thing on a supposedly 'extraordinary', 'supposed to be enjoyed' day? I wanted to experience a night of candles from inside the opaque walls of my room. I wanted to remain happy in my usual happiness.
What else did i want?
I wanted to be with you on a boat in a beautiful river during the sunset. There i wanted to look at you and at the translucent running water. I wanted to experience your touch ignoring the yellowish, orangish, saffron, cool, breezy delightful evening. The setting sun, hiding behind the white clouds would certainly look beautiful but i wanted to see you only, not behind the clouds but beside me.Here 'you' is not somebody i know already but a stranger with a lot of possible personalities. Polite. Rude. May be. I wanted to know a little of him. I wanted to know a little of me through him. He might not be like me...he might not like me. I wanted to experience that dislike. Would it be better than the 'known love'. May be not. But i wanted to express my delight or anger or no-feeling as it would come to me without a 'supposed to behave' manner, without hiding or overprojecting myself as i would be free from the fear to hurt him because his pain won't matter to me. I wanted to experience the 'wierd' in its original absolute 'wierdness'.
What else did i want?
I wanted to be with you on a boat in a beautiful river during the sunset. There i wanted to look at you and at the translucent running water. I wanted to experience your touch ignoring the yellowish, orangish, saffron, cool, breezy delightful evening. The setting sun, hiding behind the white clouds would certainly look beautiful but i wanted to see you only, not behind the clouds but beside me.Here 'you' is not somebody i know already but a stranger with a lot of possible personalities. Polite. Rude. May be. I wanted to know a little of him. I wanted to know a little of me through him. He might not be like me...he might not like me. I wanted to experience that dislike. Would it be better than the 'known love'. May be not. But i wanted to express my delight or anger or no-feeling as it would come to me without a 'supposed to behave' manner, without hiding or overprojecting myself as i would be free from the fear to hurt him because his pain won't matter to me. I wanted to experience the 'wierd' in its original absolute 'wierdness'.
And also that i wanted to experience this diwali all to myself in an 'ordinary' way but...i would be with my family overexperiencing the crackers, the diyas, the candles, the sweets, the clothes, in a 'suppossed to be happy' gesture, slightly overjoyed, a little overdelighted...
I wanted to spend this Diwali alone in my hostel, to experience isolation when a good part of my world is enjoying togetherness or posing to...