This Diwali...
I wanted to spend this Diwali alone in my hostel, to experience isolation when a good part of my world is enjoying togetherness or posing to enjoy it or is forced to believe that it is an enjoyment. I wanted to listen to the sound of the firecrackers from the inside of my closed room. I wanted to witness the shining sky through the window of my room. How would it feel to do the 'regular', 'ordinary' thing on a supposedly 'extraordinary', 'supposed to be enjoyed' day? I wanted to experience a night of candles from inside the opaque walls of my room. I wanted to remain happy in my usual happiness.
What else did i want?
I wanted to be with you on a boat in a beautiful river during the sunset. There i wanted to look at you and at the translucent running water. I wanted to experience your touch ignoring the yellowish, orangish, saffron, cool, breezy delightful evening. The setting sun, hiding behind the white clouds would certainly look beautiful but i wanted to see you only, not behind the clouds but beside me.Here 'you' is not somebody i know already but a stranger with a lot of possible personalities. Polite. Rude. May be. I wanted to know a little of him. I wanted to know a little of me through him. He might not be like me...he might not like me. I wanted to experience that dislike. Would it be better than the 'known love'. May be not. But i wanted to express my delight or anger or no-feeling as it would come to me without a 'supposed to behave' manner, without hiding or overprojecting myself as i would be free from the fear to hurt him because his pain won't matter to me. I wanted to experience the 'wierd' in its original absolute 'wierdness'.
What else did i want?
I wanted to be with you on a boat in a beautiful river during the sunset. There i wanted to look at you and at the translucent running water. I wanted to experience your touch ignoring the yellowish, orangish, saffron, cool, breezy delightful evening. The setting sun, hiding behind the white clouds would certainly look beautiful but i wanted to see you only, not behind the clouds but beside me.Here 'you' is not somebody i know already but a stranger with a lot of possible personalities. Polite. Rude. May be. I wanted to know a little of him. I wanted to know a little of me through him. He might not be like me...he might not like me. I wanted to experience that dislike. Would it be better than the 'known love'. May be not. But i wanted to express my delight or anger or no-feeling as it would come to me without a 'supposed to behave' manner, without hiding or overprojecting myself as i would be free from the fear to hurt him because his pain won't matter to me. I wanted to experience the 'wierd' in its original absolute 'wierdness'.
And also that i wanted to experience this diwali all to myself in an 'ordinary' way but...i would be with my family overexperiencing the crackers, the diyas, the candles, the sweets, the clothes, in a 'suppossed to be happy' gesture, slightly overjoyed, a little overdelighted...
Nicely written ... Diwali or any other festival is just an excuse to be happy and celebrate with loved ones but happiness is something which doesnt need an excuse ..it either comes to mind/heart or doesnt ..your longing of being alone and celebrating by urself somewhere makes the reader think that u r detesting the ways of the world and deep down there are some unfulfilled desires and expectations ....... ANAND
ReplyDeleteFirst of all thank you Anand for reading my blog. It is not only about any unfulfilled desire but just that i want to experience many more things. Let no experience remain inexperienced!
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